[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
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Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I would like even faster food.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it