shit just got real
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My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business