YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
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If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time