Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
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not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My love language is deader than Latin
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem