the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket