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We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Human are so complicated
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.