her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
You Might Also Like
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*