The big book of baby names but for safe words
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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Merica.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one