Finished stitching this today 馃槆
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At least he brought enough for everyone
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you鈥檒l remember this donation to your toy factory when you鈥檙e deciding which list I belong on.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i鈥檓 like oh you get that from me.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 馃檭
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don鈥檛 work when I鈥檓 at work either.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money