I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
uncle dave has been through hell
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
next level snooze
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.