[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?