Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
mumsnet is amazing
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do