Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
This is me 🤣🤣
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy