Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment