Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.