*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
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*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’ve had worse
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.