[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
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me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon