I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
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All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office