Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.