If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
they finally got him. they got macavity
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you