“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.