When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
🤣😂
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.