I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
PLOT TWIST:
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.