INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
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*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Whoa 😂
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
i meant to share this earlier
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.