Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
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If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.