What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
😂 amazing answer
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.