It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.