“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
you have three unread messages
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.