He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.