I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
jesus, what did this guy do
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert