My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
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Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Pikachu found the lost joint
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
(True)
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.