Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
You Might Also Like
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?