Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
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Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Is this the real life?
Is this just
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now