I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
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“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while