Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I’m being attacked 😭
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex