My safe word is now just a dry cough.
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ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Oops I deleted….
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄