I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
it must be school picture day
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Good advice.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes