My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
More like Kate Missington.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Happy thanksgiving!
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.