My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
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Me: Same
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’