[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The pasta is now
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.