[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
You Might Also Like
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Sharon I have some bad news
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”