yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin