I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
#Caturday
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Choose your fighter
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.