4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager