Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
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Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.