[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
You Might Also Like
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me