*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal