When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
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One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Terribly Tuesday.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!