Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
A bold strategy
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Meowchelangelo