I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
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i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I cannot call her anything else now
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip